5 Counsellor-Approved Tips for Balancing Work and Family Life

1. Why do we feel, as mums, so much guilt and struggle for a work/life balance?

It is because we care!
Let’s give for example, you ever had one of those overly helpful friends? You know, the friend who constantly tries to be soooo helpful that they end up getting in the way, making things harder. Genuine intention is to help—but actually doing the complete opposite. Well, that’s what’s going on here. Your mind’s intention is not to make you feel guilty, but unfortunately, that’s the effect it’s having. For those who believe in evolution, it is only natural that our mind wants to protect us from hurt and harm, so it thinks it is sending the right emotions or thoughts, but just has a really bad way doing this.
So, when we feel guilty or struggling, say to yourself, I feel this because I care and I have good values.

2. What are some practical tips or strategies we can use to help us calm down during stressful or hectic moments?
-    Take Ten Breaths: This is a simple exercise to centre yourself and connect with your environment. Practice it throughout the day, especially any time you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts and feelings.
  1. Take ten slow, deep breaths. Focus on breathing out as slowly as possible until the lungs are completely empty—and then allow them to refill by themselves.
  2. Notice the sensations of your lungs emptying. Notice them refilling. Notice your rib cage rising and falling. Notice the gentle rise and fall of your shoulders.
  3. See if you can let your thoughts come and go as if they’re just passing cars, driving past outside your house.
  4. Expand your awareness: simultaneously notice your breathing and your body. Then look around the room and notice what you can see, hear, smell, touch, and feel.

3. How can we find ways to feel like we are present with our children or loved ones?
I personally use this one along with my hand placed on where my where my feelings are showing up most in my body.
-    Drop Anchor: This is another simple exercise to center yourself and connect with the world around you. Practice it throughout the day, especially any time you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts and feelings.
  1. Plant your feet into the floor.
  2. Push them down—notice the floor beneath you, supporting you.
  3. Notice the muscle tension in your legs as you push your feet down.
  4. Notice your entire body—and the feeling of gravity flowing down through your head, spine, and legs into your feet.
  5. Now look around and notice what you can see and hear around you. Notice where you are and what you’re doing.

4. How do you personally manage your work/life balance

There are some days I feel stressed, exhausted and emotionally drained. My mind will keep on saying, I am not organised, something wrong with me, I cannot do my job and I must be a lousy mother to not be home with my family and at work because I have not completed everything I had planned. The more I struggle with my thoughts, the more I find I will start ruminating and worrying about not getting my work done and guilt with not being home with my family as a Mum. Truth is, by getting caught up in all these thoughts and feelings of guilt, it only leaves me feeling more emotionally exhausted, to the point of questioning my career and personal life. Fortunately, I have some skills which can help. These are called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) skills. So, when I notice myself struggling with feelings of guilt or self-doubt, I use some mindfulness to take time out and bring in some sense of kindness, curiosity and simply notice my thoughts and feelings. In doing so, I find I am less caught up in my thoughts and feelings and have more focus on what is actually going on around me and what I need to do next, as we are naturally problem solvers right? Consequently, increasing work productivity leads to less pressure, more time at home and to reclaim and sense of work-life balance, consequently, reduced feelings of guilt and stress. By kindly making room for stress, frustrations and guilt, which is only human to have these emotions, I find I get a sense of vitality when I get things done. The crux in all this is, by being more present in each moment, I can connect with my values. My values are being a good mum and a good counsellor – I am willing to do what is needed even in the presence of difficult emotions as it means I am doing what matters and is meaningful to me.

5. What should we do if we feel like we can't cope or feel overwhelmed?
Accept the emotion!
- Take a few slow, deep breaths, and quickly scan your body from head to toe. You will probably notice several uncomfortable sensations. Look for the strongest sensation – the one that bothers you the most. For example, it may be a lump in your throat, or a knot in your stomach, or an ache in your chest.
- Focus your attention on that sensation. Observe it curiously, as if you are a friendly scientist, discovering some interesting new phenomenon. Notice where it starts and where it ends. Learn as much about it as you can.

If you had to draw a line around the sensation, what would the outline look like? Is it on the surface of the body, or inside you, or both? How far inside you does it go? Where is the sensation most intense? Where is it weakest? How is it different in the centre than around the edges? Is there any pulsation, or vibration within it? Is it light or heavy? Moving or still? What is its temperature?

- Take a few more deep breaths, and let go of the struggle with that sensation. Breathe into it. Imagine your breath flowing in and around it.

-  Make room for it. Loosen up around it. Allow it to be there. You don’t have to like it or want it. Simply let it be.

-  The idea is to observe the sensation – not to think about it. So when your mind starts commenting on what’s happening, just say ‘Thanks, mind!’ and come back to observing.

- You may find this difficult. You may feel a strong urge to fight with it or push it away. If so, just acknowledge this urge, without giving in to it. (Acknowledging is rather like nodding your head in recognition, as if to say ‘There you are. I see you.’) Once you've acknowledged that urge, bring your attention back to the sensation itself.

- Don’t try to get rid of the sensation or alter it. If it changes by itself, that’s okay. If it doesn’t change, that’s okay too. Changing or getting rid of it is not the goal.

- You may need to focus on this sensation for anything from a few seconds to a few minutes, until you completely give up the struggle with it. Be patient. Take as long as you need. You're learning a valuable skill.

* • Once you’ve done this, scan your body again, and see if there’s another strong sensation that’s bothering you. If so, repeat the procedure with that one. (Russell Harris – ACT)
You can do this with as many different sensations as you want to. Keep going until you have a sense of no longer struggling with your feelings.

ALLOW these emotions to be there. Make peace with them Some people find it helpful to silently say to themselves, ‘I don’t like this feeling, but I have room for it,’ or ‘It’s unpleasant, but I can accept it.’

Many of us spend a third or more of our waking hours at work. ACT can give us effective psychological tools and the ability to flexibly change our perspective, enabling us to feel more engaged while at work and connect with our family and friends when the work day is over.

My name is Tamara Williams and I am an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker with a Masters Degree in Counselling and currently studying a Graduate Diploma of Psychology. I have my own practice on the Sunshine Coast – Aspiring Minds Counselling.
Aspiring Minds Counselling

Kon-Tiki Business Centre, Tower1/207, Maroochydore, 4558 Mob: 0466 882 314
Email: admin@aspiringmindscounselling.com.au