Child birth, body acceptance and desire for sex…
Written by Jenna Rae - She Between the Sheets
We live in a culture where women’s rites of passages are not honoured. If you haven’t heard of a woman’s rite of passage before, it is the 4 phases of a woman’s life. These phases are related to her fertility and sexuality.
The 4 phases are known as the Maiden phase (birth until 30yrs or when we birth a child), Mother phase (30yrs or birth of a child until menopause, Maga phase (Menopause to 70 years old or retirement) & Crone phase (retirement to death)
When we move through each of these phases, it is a time of huge transformation as a woman transforms from one way of being into something new. Therefore, the old version of her must die for this new version to be born.
Often the transition into motherhood is not honoured and you might think “I don’t recognise this body”. “I don’t recognise myself”. Women & their partners expect to “get back” to this previous version of themselves. But what most people don’t realise is this person no longer exists. So, you have to learn this new way of being. Your body IS going to look different, and it IS going to feel different to before you had kids. The pressure women put on themselves to get their pre baby body back the quickest is just BS. This is pressure that mums just don’t need.
One of the best things a mum can do is to see a pelvic floor physio, even if you have had a C section. This is because for 9 months you have had pressure on your pelvic floor. A pelvic floor physio can also tell you things like how you are healing, how sex might feel and how going to the toilet might feel different. The most important place to start, is to heal your body and then you can learn how to connect with yourself again.
Reconnecting with your physical body will take time as women are the ones who go through the physical changes. So don’t rush it. You need to become familiar with how your vulva looks and how she feels as things might have changed. Get a mirror and take a look. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling.
Once you feel comfortable enough you can start to reconnect by bringing back loving touch to your body and vulva with a gentle massage.
Intimacy with a partner may look different for a while after childbirth. The most important thing for a woman to do is honour her own feelings and body and be able to communicate her needs. Only you know how you feel in your body, so if you are wanting to be sexually active with a partner make sure it is on your terms. Before you start, talk about what you both want from sex. You will need to be mindful of when you choose to make time for each other and that may mean you need to book it in.
If you are ready, start slow, take a more feminine approach to sex which is slow and rhythmic rather than fast and full on. Pain during sex should not be happening, ever, so if you experience that, it needs to be explored, you may have more healing to do. Women should not be having sex out of guilt for their partner. If she does this will cause unspoken tension between you both and it will come out later in life.
If you’re not ready, take the pressure off by creating intimacy in ways other than penetrative sex. This might look like breathing together with eye contact, having a bath and asking your partner to wash your hair or giving each other a massage. This will help you to relax and not feel like you have to give to your partner in a sexual way. Patience, vulnerability, honesty and communicating your needs is key during this phase.
In saying this, even though women may be going through this “sexual winter” as I like to call it, that doesn’t mean that their partners are going to feel the same. It’s important to understand that they can’t just switch it off. So, try to give your partner space to self-pleasure without judgement or shame. Let them know that they deserve to have pleasure and just because you are not feeling up to it, its ok for them to pleasure themselves. It’s important to know that if a partner chooses to self-pleasure, it does not mean that they don’t desire you, rather they are honouring the phase that you are in. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, having a conversation around why will be really beneficial. If this continues to be a challenge, talking to someone like a sex coach can certainly help.
Birth trauma no matter how big or small has an imprint on a woman’s emotional wellbeing. If this is not delt with it will continue to show up in her life. Emotional trauma from birth won’t be fixed with any amount of physiotherapy and needs a more emotional body work approach such a therapeutic yoni massage. This can only be performed a minimum of 8 weeks post-partum. A Yoni massage is also a beautiful way to help you reconnect with your body.
If you or someone you know needs any support in any of these areas please reach out to me. I coach women 1:1 online and offer Therapeutic Yoni massage on the Sunshine Coast. I offer free connection calls that can booked via my website www.shebetweenthesheets.com