Mum Guilt - Aspiring Minds Counselling
Featuring Loren & her beautiful family.
Amy Westervelt sums up the working mom dilemma: “We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.”
So, this explains why mums feel guilty — guilty for working and guilty for not. We are tired from a long day at work, which falls into time with the kids, half listening to their stories or missing out on meaningful time with them can lead mums to feel like they are failing.
While many working mums are trying to balance the need to work and being the mum they imagined, there comes something else we carry. The guilt of not practicing self-care, or even more so, embarrassment about telling someone how stressed out you are, as if you are not to allowed to feel this way.
Shall I move into the discussion of how the Covid-19 pandemic has left working parents, and in particular mothers, having to find solutions for education and child care? The guilt as our kids would spend more time on screens while we spend more time on Zoom.
Working on letting go of this guilt should be made a priority. As it disrupts your sleep, affects mood, and gets in the way of being present.
Here are some strategies to start letting yourself go of guilt:
Forgive yourself.
This starts with a commitment to stop letting your mind beat yourself up. Guilt can turn into shame, and it is emotionally painful to constantly feel like you are a bad mum. Instead, rather than letting your thoughts get caught up in, “I feel bad about…” replace that with, “I made that decision because …” and then move forward.
Revisit your values.
One of the most helpful grounding exercises you can do is find what your values are in life and then live life in accordance to them.
I am often saying to my clients, lets find your values, you live by them and you will be ok. For example, if spending time with your kids is something you value and feel you don’t get enough, notice the guilt and instead, find ways to spend time with them.
Start by setting up boundaries, such as going out with work colleagues and instead, take the kids for a walk with the dog and block out times over weekends or evenings you are committed to doing things with the kids.
Keep updating or revisting your values and if you are living by them, if not, then do something about it.
Ask for help.
Asking for help is tough. Doing everything yourself is only going to create more stress. Reach out to friends, your own parents, in-laws. Getting into the practice of this gets easier as you slowly do it.
It can be just one small area, which might make a whole world of difference. You can always return the favour in another way, which benefits everyone.
Know you are good enough.
Attachment researchers, such as John Bowlby, discovered that parents need to be emotionally present, to comfort their child, attune to their child’s feelings, show delight when seeing their child, and support their child in order to have a healthy and secure parent-child attachment.
So, follow this and praise yourself for your selflessness as a mother who reclaims her own life and takes care of herself. Rather than putting additional pressure on yourself, remember the basics and know the connection you can still have with your children by simply being “good enough.”
Finally, remember guilt is fundamentally tied to empathy. Feeling guilty means you have compassion and care. However, finding ways to reduce the feeling of guilt does not mean you are not a good mother.
It simply means the empathy behind the guilt has been realised and the compassion and care can motivate you to connect with being a working mum as well as experiencing happiness in being a mum, as you live by your values.
Tamara Williams - Aspiring Minds Counselling - Counsellor
Address: Kon-Tiki Business Centre, Tower1/207, Maroochydore, 4558
Phone: 0466 882 314
Email: admin@aspiringmindscounselling.com.au
Website: www.aspiringmindscounselling.com.au